i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
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So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
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I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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