can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
