I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
