By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
