Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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