If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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