you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
