i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
