I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
