Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
