Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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