she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
