OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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