The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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