My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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