Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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