To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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