Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
