I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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