i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
