dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
