Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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