Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
