Just fell off a train. Bad.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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