I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
