Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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