my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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