I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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