omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
