Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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