Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
