I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I have tasted many bathrooms
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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