This house was built for laser tag.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He passed out mid-signature
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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