and you said cock pushups were impossible
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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