just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
