cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
