I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
