I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
