yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
