I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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