I wish I could punch you in the face.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
