I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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