Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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