I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
