did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
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