sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Randomize