Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
