Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
