Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
