in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
