the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
