Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
