I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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