I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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