Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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